Having written blogs about the method of listing – how to gain power, how to negotiate, how to talk, I previously thought the listing method is a panacea. Now when I try to tackle the communication issues, or, to put in another way, the relationship problems, I realized that a simple listing method is not workable unless I reach an in-depth conceptual understanding of this. In contrast to the great need of knowing how to handle properly relationship/communication almost every second in our daily life, we fumble like blind and deaf, and we even don’t know we are blind and deaf.
So we have to think hard and learn constantly to see, to hear and to know how to get what we want.
If we’re lucky to find our best friends/partners, there aren’t many conflicts. Even for many ordinary people like me, the intimate relationship sometimes needs rescuing attempts too. I’d like to first of all stress how we form the most intimate/trustable relationship, the core resides on the same value system. What you believe is what he/she believes so we vibrate/resonate with each other. There won’t be much to fight about. That’s how important it is to choose your right partners, no matter in life or in work.
In real life, we need to handle the relationship with many who don’t share the same value system, who have zero-sum game kind of competition perspective with you. It is unrealistic to be a hermit, isolating yourself from dealing with people you don’t like, nor is it doing us benefits. If we’re “blind”, only minding small niche space around ourselves, without seeing the whole ecosystem, you don’t recognize the enemies can be your saviors someday. And above all, we need to bear in mind, in the business world, gaining allies, cooperations are always much more important and effective than establishing foes, eliminating competitors.
We should always bear in mind there is an invisible network between people connected by the true fibers resonation, subtle body language, or context between email lines, they tell a lot if we observe carefully and attentively. We must be extremely sensitive to these signals so we can see the hidden net clearly and accurately.
Once we understand, next step is to apply the method of listing again. I summarized into the following four pragmatical rules.
1. Manage the vibration atmosphere. Even dealing with people who don’t share the same fundamental value system with you. The emotional vibration between the two is indispensable if you are trying to accomplish certain mission or negotiation. Or, the only option would be fighting/war. So if you are the one with eyes wide open, Antenna up and high, be mindful of the chemical atmosphere. In pharmacology, we learn hormones work all over our body powerfully by molding directly to right-shaped receptors. It is similar that for a communication/relationship to flow fluidly, we need to find and locate that receptor. Uttering out some magic word like “I feel what you feel, I understand” serves the purpose of bringing back the vibration.
2. Never try to force other people to give you what you want. Be purposeful to create a certain scenario, to bring out a certain facet of that key person, to the right direction. (expand later on).
3. Speak the proper words. Always build up a large vocabulary. Instead of saying elementary school level narratives such as “you said this, you didn’t do that”, try to use “correct me if I am wrong, I thought you said this/did that”. Always use objective describing statement rather than making the judgemental call. The ability to employ the right words also reflects the cumulative wisdom of understanding, perceiving and sympathizing.
4. Trust people. It’s both an ability and skill set. In the sense of skill set, I mean we shall develop the habit of proactively communicating with others/strangers. We can train ourselves to say hello loudly and contagiously, to naturally touch others arm so bring closeness instantly. Another trick is to share special moment such as a charity event, Bungee jumping is an extreme case that actually is not appropriate for casual relationships. But you get the point. Trust is also an ability. Most people are fearful of trust other people, hence they never can build and enjoy a truly great relationship. And sadly, through their lives, they even won’t recognize the deficiency brought by this inability to trust. A wise philosopher said, trust him/her, if they abuse your trust, you know that earlier; if they worth your trust. then all is good.
Lastly and also importantly, we know there are certain people who are just hard to vibrate no matter how hard you try. They always want to get ahead, take advantage of you, in that case, we should opt to not deal with them with hostility, but never give up/in our bottom line, and get ready for more options/freedom for ourselves.