There are broadly two types of people when it comes to someone like Donald Trump. Trump constantly promotes himself. He doesn’t seem particularly embarrassed by self-promotion. He can say, in effect: “I’m the best. I’m successful. I’m great.” Most people, at least internally, would probably have a reaction like: That sounds very arrogant. How could someone say that about himself so openly?

But after that initial reaction, people can go in very different directions.

One group has a high sensitivity to interpersonal norms. They are repulsed by this kind of behavior. They think: How can he constantly brag about himself? Doesn’t he realize how obnoxious that sounds? These people tend to value modesty, reciprocity, politeness, and consideration of other people’s feelings. They believe that social interaction should, to some degree, minimize direct status competition.

But here is the interesting part: these people can be extremely competitive themselves. They also want to be richer, smarter, stronger, more successful, more attractive, and ultimately the winner. The difference is that they put an internal brake on expressing these desires too openly. They may think:

• I want to be the best, but I shouldn’t say that.
• I want to show that I’m successful, but I shouldn’t brag.
• I think I’m smarter than him, but I shouldn’t make him feel stupid.

There is therefore a conflict between the inner desire for status and the social norm against openly displaying that desire. For this type of person, Trump’s behavior doesn’t merely look arrogant. It can feel socially wrong.

Then there is another type. They can look at exactly the same behavior and think: Yes, that’s not very socially conventional. He’s extremely bold. But why should I be offended? They may even find it charismatic. They value dominance and confidence more than modesty. They may think:

“At least he isn’t pretending.”

“He has confidence.”

“He says what he thinks.”

“He’s not afraid of what people think about him.”

To them, Trump’s behavior communicates confidence, strength, independence, and authenticity. If someone believes that the world is fundamentally competitive, this can feel refreshingly honest. Why pretend that everyone is equal, modest, and uninterested in status when everyone is competing anyway?

This is where I think an interesting psychological distinction appears.

The first group is more sensitive to social embarrassment and interpersonal norms. If someone openly shows off, they may experience second-hand embarrassment, irritation, or even disgust.

The second group may simply not have that reaction. Someone else showing off doesn’t threaten them. In fact, they may be confident enough in their own competence that another person’s self-promotion doesn’t bother them. If someone says: “I’m the smartest person in the room.” one person may think: Who does this guy think he is? Another may think: Maybe he is. Let’s see what he can do.

There is an interesting connection here with narcissism research. Grandiose narcissistic traits are associated with self-importance, self-enhancement, dominance, and a desire for admiration. But narcissism also has another side: sensitivity to criticism and threats to one’s self-image. Researchers therefore distinguish between grandiose and vulnerable expressions of narcissism.

And this produces a fascinating paradox. Someone can be very insensitive to other people’s feelings while being extremely sensitive to criticism of himself. Those two things are not contradictory. You can have a personality that essentially says: “I am extraordinarily important, but don’t you dare tell me that I’m not.” The outward behavior is confidence, dominance, self-promotion, and sometimes aggression. But the same person may react strongly when his status or self-image is challenged. So in psychology, “sensitive” and “insensitive” are always opposites. There can be two very different forms of sensitivity.

One person is sensitive to being hurt by other people:

“Please don’t say something hurtful about me.”

Another person may be sensitive to being challenged or disrespected:

“Don’t you dare challenge my status.”

The first may respond through withdrawal, hurt, or feeling offended. The second may respond through counterattack, dominance, or aggression. On the surface they look like completely different personalities. One looks weak and sensitive; the other looks strong and aggressive. But underneath, both may be highly reactive to perceived disrespect.

The real difference may be what kind of social threat they are sensitive to. One is sensitive to rejection. The other is sensitive to loss of status. And perhaps this is why people can have such completely opposite reactions to the same person.

One person sees arrogance.

Another sees confidence.

One sees obnoxiousness.

Another sees authenticity.

One sees someone who desperately needs admiration.

Another sees someone who simply doesn’t care what other people think.

The behavior is the same. The psychological meaning assigned to it is completely different.

And perhaps the deeper lesson is that we should not judge people’s personalities only by how they behave toward us. We should also ask what kind of social world they believe they are living in.

If you believe social life is primarily about cooperation, harmony, and mutual consideration, Trump’s style can look deeply unpleasant. If you believe social life is fundamentally competitive, hierarchical, and driven by strength, the same style can look unusually honest.

That doesn’t tell us whether the person is right or wrong. But it tells us something interesting about ourselves: our reaction to another person’s personality may reveal as much about our own social instincts as it does about theirs.